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Ready Or Not…

Not going to lie, I’m still reeling a little bit from my Mums death and I haven’t really felt compelled to write anything here in a little while.

I am a little unmotivated, a little sad, a little lonely and feeling as though everything is still incredibly surreal.

I guess it’s a giant adjustment to say goodbye to someone that you spoke with almost every day of your life.

Every now and then I think of how she was back in July or August and I’m confused as to how she lost her life so fast. It doesn’t seem like it was fair or that there was enough warning.

I didn’t really believe that I would be celebrating my first Christmas without her in 2016. And trust me, Christmas without my Mum is going to be weird and devastating and the thought of it actually makes my stomach churn.

Christmas was my Mums favourite time of the year. She got excited about it and enjoyed planning what to cook, who she would be entertaining and especially loved the gift giving part of things. The last two Christmas’ were great and I found myself in a bit of a role reversal, buying her lots of stuff because I absolutely adored her hilarious reaction to gifts.

Everyone that I’ve spoken to has felt really indifferent to Christmas and maybe I feel that way this year because of everything that has happened, but I know I’m going to miss the fun part of it; of having her there not being a grinch about things but rather being excited and happy for the day to come along.

I’ll be taking it easy this year– I’ll be probably hanging out at home for the most part… and maybe sleeping it away depending on how I feel. Which, let’s be honest, will probably be shit.

Short and long of it, right now I really miss my Mum and I feel it most on my alone weekends and when I get home to an empty house.

I have my things to keep me busy, but I’m sure it’s tangled up in an element of avoidance because when I stop, I feel like I’m going to realise that she isn’t coming back.

So for now, I’ll just keep myself busy.

I’ve read The Wrong Girl by Zoe Foster-Blake to finish my 30 books for 2016 goal, so I’ll aim to post that review soon.

Meanwhile, check out my cousin and my blog for our business: http://www.bigcuzlittlecuz.com/blog/

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2 Comments

  • Reply Coni

    I think of her every day, Jess. Even though we lived half a world apart, we connected on a different level. I see or read things that I know we’d share a laugh about. It’s nothing compared to your loss, but I’ve experienced that, too, with my mom. You’re very fortunate you had that great relationship with her. Those memories will comfort you, make you smile, and miss her more 🙁 Do what feels right for you, not what others expect. It’s okay to be a little selfish.

    December 13, 2016 at 10:20 am
    • Reply jess

      Thanks Coni.
      It kind of helps to know that Mum left a lasting impact. Sometimes I get sad because I feel like everyone has gone back to their lives and have forgotten about her. It hurts how quickly after someone dies everyone goes back to their world…. like, are we all that quickly forgotten?
      I am fortunate to have had her and to have had such an awesome relationship. The last thing I want to ever think is that she didn’t know how much I loved her or worried about her since I never really tried to let it on too much — but I’m sure she does know that… if not before, definitely now and I bet she’d want to console me if she could.

      Xoxo

      December 13, 2016 at 10:22 pm

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